Pregnancy.... let the rat race to the end begin

Paiglee's picture taking skills, I told her to get the belly, oh she got it without my head

I was emotional this day so it was hard to get a smile out

Well I have kind of been nervous to post, because I kind of wanted to just live in lala..land a bit longer. Monday at my appointment lots was discussed and even though I wasn't seen until an hour past my original appointment time, it was a good appointment. I had a list of questions for the doctor since I was a wreck over finding out about having this Cholestasis of Pregnancy condition. My doctor answered all my questions and once again made me feel more comfortable that he is my doctor. I had an ultrasound on Monday to determine several things; to check out how the baby is doing, and then some test to make sure she is thriving and happy in there, to check the placenta, and the scar tissue from my c-section. Everything turned out good, she is in the 40% for now, but happy and healthy. My doctor was impressed with how much she was moving, and I said I have noticed with the large amounts of water I have been consuming she is much more active. He attributed it to the water increasing my blood volume, blah blah blah. My scar tissue looked fine and the placenta was in good placement.

My doctor is a good guy he really does get me and he thinks I am funny, not my jokes but me in general. He always gets a good chuckle at our visits because I tend to be on the I have questions or something to talk to you about. I told him that I had looked up online what this condition that I have was and all about it. I like to educate myself and be informed, and see what I can do within my power to help myself. Sometimes it is good and sometimes bad, I learned many things that I began to do that in the end helped with my condition, like drinking my loads and loads of water, and my ice packs for the itch. But in turn I also learned how serious and scary this condition is, and that usually leaves me more freaked out than anything. But the funny thing is I would have never found out this information unless I looked it up myself. The nurses never told me the severity of it, and unless I had my list of questions my doctor probably would have never talked to me about what the condition actually is. I have always been and always will be a huge advocate for my own health. I am not one to not ask questions, or just blindly do something without first finding out why I am doing it. I may not have all the smarts in the health field, but from taking my courses in health that I did, I learned some very helpful things that help me to understand what they are talking about, sometimes. Plus I have always enjoyed reading health stuff, and if it would possibly have anything to do with me, most likely I have read about it and know as much as I can possibly. Daryl said he thinks I annoy the nurses and that as much as my questions might be annoying to the doctor he said he sensed that he appreciates the fact that I did my research. Really I could care less if I annoy someone with my questions, it’s who I am, and I personally think more people should be like me in that aspect. But my doctor asked while doing my ultrasound "what else did you read on the internet?" I looked at him for a minute to see if he was being serious or in some way mocking me, but he was serious, so I told him everything. He talked to me about it all.

But any who to say the least the best part of my appointment was seeing this little baby girl. Funny how I can tell without having had an ultrasound where she is laying and facing in my belly. I never had a clue with Paiglee. I always ask to make sure I am right, or what I think to be right. We didn't get to see her face at all because she has her face pointed to my back, the way it should be, but I was hoping to see it. But I did ask if he could tell whether she had hair or not. I already figured she did and I hoped she did, ever since Paiglee I like my babies with lots of hair. He was looking at first towards the top of her head and he said he couldn't see anything. But I have been told it looks like little spikes long before he told me, and I noticed a layer of something cloudy over the bone of her head. He moved to the back of her head and kind of a side view and there it was. Super long and lots of hair, I began to laugh and it made her hair wave. Seriously this girl has long hair. I wish so badly that I would have known when I was pregnant with Paiglee that you can see hair in ultrasounds because I wish I had something to compare it with to this baby. Paiglee had the most hair I had ever seen on a baby. I didn't like it at first but now it is just what I expect from my babies. So as he was messing with the first view of her head I began to make an assumption that the cloudy like layer on her bone was the hair that she is pressing down on and that is why you couldn't see the spikes that most associate with hair on ultrasound. He even checked to make sure she is a girl.

The appointment was good and I felt so much better after it. One of my questions that I did have was about the fact that I read in numerous places that they usually don't let people with this condition go past 37-38 weeks. Once he checked to see how things were he asked, when I would like to have this baby, and I said whenever she is ready. So next week a week from today he will start the induction process since he is on call for two straight days. With VBAC's prostaglandins shouldn't be used to dilate the cervix so he is using more natural remedies. Next Wednesday I go into the office to have him begin the induction with some natural ways, then Thursday morning I will go to the hospital for the "official" induction. Monday I have a non-stress test for the baby, which has to be done every three days until I deliver. This week I don't have to do that because he did some test with the ultrasound to determine the well being of the baby. And that is good for a week.

I left the appointment excited and nervous and kind of feeling like "oh my gosh". I am happy all is well with this baby, but at the same time I am super nervous that the time is pretty much a week away. To be honest we have had nothing prepared for this baby. The crib was put up the week after Christmas and I have made stuff for this baby and have gifts from people for this baby, but that is it. The minute I got home I began sewing all my projects I needed to finish for this baby and before this baby arrives. I have waves of emotion that come over me. One minute I can't wait to meet this baby. Then the next I am feeling sad, because Paiglee won't be my baby, this is my last pregnancy and it is almost over I will never feel the flutters of a baby's movement again. Then life as we have known it for the past four and half years will be no more. I wonder if I am ready, not only preparation wise but also emotionally and mentally ready. I am wondering all the time now about how life is going to be different. When we pulled out all the baby stuff I couldn't help but say to myself “ man it will be nice to not have to deal with this stuff again after this child”. Most of our storage was baby stuff, that is a lot of crap.

Paiglee is enjoying looking at all the new stuff we are pulling out. She knows it is for Emery, and she knows it all was once hers. Funny thing I still think of it as hers, there are some things I have kept to the side because I don't want this baby to use it because it was Paiglee's. I find myself having those feelings a lot. I wonder if this baby is going to feel like my baby, because my baby is Paiglee. I get scared that I will lose connection with Paiglee, that she won't feel as loved. Pretty much you name it I have worried about it. I am sure things will be fine, I mean people have multiple kids all the time and they are just fine it seems. But what if it is like pregnancy, no one tells you the gory details or how it actually is. They just let you live it out for yourself. That happened to me once and I don't want this to be another one of those things where everyone who has been through it understands and those that are going to experience it aren't warned or given the facts. I get these waves multiple times a day, when I am sewing something for this baby I get excited as I am preparing I get excited and scared. I realize how far from baby land I have been for the last few years. Then I get the feeling of, oh man what the heck have we done, type feeling. It isn't as severe as it was with the first baby, but it is still there. I do get comforted by the fact that we have been through this before and that we kind of know what to expect. I also take comfort in knowing that if this baby is even a little difficult like Paiglee was ( colicky, and gassy)I will know how to deal with it rather than try everything under the blue moon.

I am actually in a good place I think for the most part, aside from all the worries and brain clutter. I am fine with the discomfort, I am fine with it all and excited but not impatient. I feel like I should be doing something more to capture this pregnancy better. So I can remember how it was, I know I am going to miss it, I just will. People ask me all the time especially these last few days, if I am uncomfortable, to be honest I am but I remember it being worse with Paiglee. I am fine I mean yeah I have aches and pains, but I don't hate it. I am actually enjoying this, people ask if I am ready for it to be over. I feel like people want to hear that you are uncomfortable that you are ready for it to be over. And I am but not like they think. I dread the day when this will be over but I am excited to meet this baby as well. I don't hate it like I did with Paiglee, I remember feeling like I would be like this forever, and it made me cry to think about. Now I would hate to be like this forever but I wish I could somehow come back to this moment when I wanted to. To remember to drink it in. I'll never get this time back, and that is kind of how I have been feeling this whole time. Never will this time be able to be relived, and that is why pregnancy this time around has been better. Don’t get me wrong the swelling and the sciatic nerve pain and the not able to bend and the fact that hopefully my middle and ring fingers will get their feeling back, will not be missed. But the really special things all will be missed deeply.

Paiglee's picture of me

My more flattering picture

So with all the mumbo jumbo said this baby is coming and I have tons and tons to get done before that happens. Plus I have to have time to soak in the rays, so I must get on with it.