Trials unwanted will come

Well this last week has for sure been a crazy one, and it seems to have taken forever. I don't even know where to begin really. I have been very reluctant to share this on my blog (since it is public and it is a very personal matter) but thought I would in not a ton of detail but I just want to because it is part of our life. I always told myself that I would not just share our best and most happiest parts of life but also the things that make us who we are, I don't' share everything because Daryl is a very personal person and I on the other hand am more open, and try to respect his privacy while still sharing my life. But I have never wanted to paint a picture that my family is a cookie cutter family, which I think can happen with blogging because people only say the very best and only put on their best moments, but this is the Life with the Michael's and maybe it will be of use to others or something, and if not it gets the elephant out of the room for me.
We have been trying to have a baby for a little over a year and planning on it much longer than this. We always thought it would be so easy for us, I mean we had Paiglee very unexpectedly and when we thought it couldn't happen that soon. We thought we were not going to have to struggle to have another baby and so when we planned we planned when we thought was a good time for us. Things to say the least have not gone anything like we thought or planned. Shortly after trying for a few months without anything I started to think something was wrong turns out I have Hypothyroidism which also explained the 30 pounds I put on in a matter of 5 months that were unexplained. I was also having adrenal gland problems. I was put on meds that I will most likely have to take the rest of my life. I was shocked to find out I had hypothyroidism until I remembered my Grandmother on my mom's side had hers removed at one point. So that only made sense as to why I would have developed it. But then shortly thereafter we found out we were going to be expecting a baby in march of 2010. We were excited we told family and close friends, but I miscarried at almost 8 weeks it was devastating it was a shock I was taken aback by it. No one in my family has ever had to deal with this. But I got right back and then within a little over a month later we found out we would be expecting a baby in June of 2010. But the day before Thanksgiving I went in to hear the heart beat when I was a few weeks shy of being out of my first trimester and there wasn't one. They did a U/S and there wasn't one, I still have the picture of a little baby just laying still not moving and there was no little flutters in the chest. I couldn't believe it, I just couldn't believe it was happening again (let alone I find this out with Paiglee with me). Turns out the baby measured two weeks smaller than I was gestation. This one has been much harder and more complex than I could have thought possible, it knocked us off the horse and I find it hard to get up.
At the beginning of this long process we prayed and felt it was time to have another baby and to have it be a very hard path brings so many questions to one's mind. We have taken this one much harder than the last one. I was super sick and we thought it was safe we thought it was going to work out we were even more excited this time around. I would say the least favorite part is telling people that knew that it didn't work out. I would rather no one know then me tell them.
I was so naive before experiencing all this (but isn't everyone). I think the matter of a couple bringing life into the world is very personal and emotional. I think it is also a very private matter and I am so aware now of talking to others about even them having kids is a no, no. I have learned there are some things you just never say or ask, to anyone because you just never know what someone is going through. It seems to be so common for couples to struggle with having a baby, you hear of it more. I also find it funny that the couples that want it so badly tend to be the ones that struggle the most with it and have a hard time with it and it seems the ones that don't want a baby or aren't trying have no problems. I don't know if it is just the way it works, but my observation even stands true with Daryl and I, we weren't expecting or trying for Paiglee and we got her, we actively try now and we have had the worst of luck. It just reaffirms to me that I have absolutely no clue what is in store for us or how our life is suppose to be. I feel I have no control and when I try to control it, it doesn't turn out the way you think it would. I don't know what we are suppose to do, I feel like I have mixed signals I feel like I have no control of my own life or the destiny of my families. I feel I have to sit shut-up and just take what comes, which is beyond hard for me. But I do know one thing I can control is what I do from here on out. I need a break a long one, I need time to get over all that has happened. I want to focus on the three of us and forget what we have wanted for the past year or more. The last year has been focused on wanting another baby and trying and dealing with all the trials that came with it. I know we all need a break and I just want to focus on the family of three I have now. I ask why all the time I ask what am I suppose to be getting from this mess, other than the hurt and sorrow that comes with it. I am envious of others while at the same time realizing the process of bringing about life is an amazing one and one to be happy about in any case. I am grateful for the family I have for the one child I have that I find I cling to a little more when I hug her. My way of wanting to deal with this is to get through it and over it as fast as possible with as little pain as possible. I just want to forget and move on. If anything at all I just want it to be over. Since this last one was considered a missed miscarriage which means my body took forever to realize the little thing didn't need life support anymore . My symptoms took much longer to disappear. Which felt like I was just standing still in the mess of it. I was given meds to get things started and they worked much too good, things got scary and crazy and I went to the ER. But things are fine now and we are ready to move on put it behind us and get over it. I am hoping this helps, and that somehow it makes it easier. I still am trying to figure out how to experience this and live it without it affecting me. I haven't figured it out, the only thing I have realized is......
....Growth hurts.